One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see."
"That’s perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don’t know," said the bunny. "I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny again felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any ballz… You must be a lawyer."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county and state championship, until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my ballz. That’s something else I want to talk to you about."
So why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have Ballz to scratch……
A guy went to apply for a job with the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said, "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."
Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, "Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my nuts off."
"Great!" the interviewer responded. "We give disabled vets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asked the guy.
"Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our ballz for the first two hours anyway."
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I’m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into a cafe for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your ballz for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks: What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it’s done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at the cafe."
An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs for their family and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a siesta next to his mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.
Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"
The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule ballz and, lifting them high, said, "It’s 3 o’clock."
Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mule’s ballz!"
Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was.
Sure enough, the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his hands under the mule’s nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and said, "It is 3:15."
The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the little man was correct.
Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just amazing…how do you do that?"
"Do what?" the Mexican asked.
"Tell the time by lifting your mule’s ballz!"
"Ah…." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his ballz so I can see that big clock across the street."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement. He told her, "Every day, when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his ballz and said, "Hickory dickory dock…"
When design engineers get together they often talk about football.
When Middle management meets, they talk about tennis.
When top management meet, they talk golf.
Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder, the smaller your ballz become.
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren’t…
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:
1. Hold up…I need to wash my ballz first.
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"Mouse Ballz"
Mouse ballz are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse ballz should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ballz by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic ballz will be larger and harder than foreign ballz. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign ballz can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic ballz are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse ballz are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare ballz for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his ballz should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s ballz. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How’s your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, "I’ve had some strange side effects."
"What’s that?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I pee, my eyes water. When my wife gives me head, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get wood!"
An idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.
He’s totally enamored with the golf ball because he’s never seen anything like it before. So, he carries 30 of them back home to give away as souvenirs.
While passing through customs on his way back, the customs officer, who’s perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf ballz and can’t figure it out. So he asks our man, "What the hell is all this?!"
To which he replies, "Oh they’re just golf ballz."
So the customs officer says, "Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?"
A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It’s a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$225,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your ballz are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I’ll bet $25,000 that my ballz are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his ballz, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure what he had. There was absolutely no way his ballz were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president’s ballz are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his ballz and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have the bank president’s ballz in my hand."
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–The Mopes at EBallz.com